JournalismPakistan.com October 16, 2014
Okay enough with the bleakness. Let’s talk about some evil funny, violent funny stuff like what drives you crazy. Besides relatives, the electricity bill, plumbers and friends who suddenly become rich and don’t have the grace to stay enmeshed in genteel poverty like the rest of us. One day you are happily moaning together about how it all sucks and the next he has hit the jackpot and dumped you.
Like we all know folks like that.
Here is my list of those who make me search gleefully for a baseball bat.
People who threaten to tell a very funny joke and then lose their way half way there and start again.
Like friends who get up and leave the room or walk around on some errand when you are in the middle of a sentence, saying, carry on, don’t mind me, I am listening or worse, they begin to make mobile phone calls. I cannot stand people who carry mobiles like a badge of honor.
People who dart in at the last second and take your parking space.
Wives who are always right (oh okay, let this one go, man, not worth the hassle).
Driving with your wife and she telling you to slow down, watch the car, stop, be careful until you want to scream.
Bosses who love the sound of their own voices and you know they are talking utter drivel.
People who avoid you when you arrive in their town because now they don’t want to recognize that old expat friendship especially if you are Asian and fetch up in London.
Getting a call from the credit card lady telling you to pay now or else… demeaning to the core.
People who spill cigarette ash in teacups (yours) or throw butts in flower pots (yours) and wipe their hands on curtains (yours).
Folks who talk across you in a language they know you cannot understand and that is bad enough except what is worse is when you know they are talking about you and it is not flattering that is for sure. And the others have that silly expression as they try to pretend innocence.
Those in lifts who won’t stop it for you as you rush up and zoom off with that smug grin on their faces and you miss it by 1.4 seconds, thanks to them.
People who give up smoking and tell you how they did it and those who gave up smoking and then started again and tell you about that. No wonder you can’t give up.
Guests who think it is fashionable to be late and don’t even say how sorry they are and they bring two strangers with them.
Women who pour perfume rather than spray it and then leave that cloying stuff on the telephone and the glasses and the crockery and everywhere they go.
Visitors to the office who try to read your documents and letters upside down because they cannot help being curious. And you have to then cover up the document with a file.
Like the types who walk into your office, see you are busy and ask, busy? Then they promise to stay for a minute and stay an hour.
Strangers and relatives who ask you how much you earn… Where do they get off being so personal.
Folks who want you to love their animals and sic them on you telling you not to worry he won’t do anything, he just likes growling.
People who come over and expect you to drop them back.
People who notice your new decor, furniture, hairstyle, dress whatever and say that’s nice… but. Always that ‘but’.
Those travelers who try to read the paper you are reading from behind you.
Couples who fight in public and then co-opt you into it by asking you to play interference.
People who tell you how much everything that they buy costs.
People who hit their teeth with their nail. Make those slushy sounds when they eat.
Sniff Suck at a cavity. Scratch.
Like those who don’t remember your name and you remember theirs.
People who constantly put you down. Did you buy this at a sale? Is this an imitation? Did you travel economy? You must have gone in the off season.
Sports who say the ball was out when it was in by six inches or ask for a let when there was no justification.
Counter clerks at supermarkets who think they are doing you a favor by serving you.
You, for reading this… get a life. Now that you have add a few of your own.
(The writer is a Senior Editorial Advisor of Khaleej Times and the paper’s former Editor. He has also been the Editor of Gulf News, Gulf Today, Emirates Today and Bahrain Tribune)
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