Bikram Vohra
JournalismPakistan.com
September 24, 2013

Sometimes what you bought doesn't work. For folks like me, it is most of the time. Like an oven toaster multi kitchenette mate...look, I didn't give it that name. A replacement is promised if you fill in this form and declaration and please leave your telephone numbers so we can get back to you as soon as possible.

“What is this get back to us stuff, I want the replacement right now”.

“I am sorry, sir, we have to abide by the system, you see Retail will send your piece to Head Office who will forward it with a covering letter to Wholesale who will then examine the nature of the complaint and then deliver the item to the manufacturer who will send it to the factory.

If you are a glutton for punishment you will ask what route it takes to come back.

He will say, “well after the manufacturer is informed by the factory QCD as to the...."

Who’s QCD”?

“Quality Control Department, sir, they will send a recommendation to the wholesaler who will forward it to the HO who will send it to their CA for verification and that will then be attested by the Chief Accountant and go to the MD to be OK’d and then the voucher for RDG”....

“What's dat”?

“Dat’s ... that’s replacement of damaged goods.

“Oh”

“Now, where was I, sir”?

“Paradise Lost Book VIII”.

“I beg your pardon, sir”.

“No, I beg yours, I will just take the damaged toaster back, it’s easier this way”.

Have you noticed another thing? Items look much brighter, prettier, more exotic, more exciting in the display window. They tend to gleam in the lighting, but that delightful silver plated tea-set that looked real suddenly looks grey and spotty when you bring it home. The eye-catching statue that set you back 500 dirhams now looks absurd and grotesque and not half as exciting.

Then there are discounts. Some people are born to discounts. They demand and they get it. Obligingly, ingratiatingly, yes sir, of course sir, lop 30% for the gentleman here.

Some people do not. Like me.

“Sorry”, we do not give discount”.

“How about 20%”?

“Not our policy, fixed rates”.

“Ten, then”.

“Five”?

“No”!

Round off the last figure at least, let me win a skirmish, you’ve got a war.

“So sorry, we have a fixed price policy."

Five major rules of shopping;

Goods you thought you got at a bargain price will invariably have been bought cheaper by the lady you cannot stand, most likely a neighbor or friend.

Clothes on a mannequin look far more beautiful than they will ever look on you.

A bargain, sale or going fast cut rate special always has a catch in it. If all this stuff was so hot how come no one bought it in the first place?

Your idea of class and style are trailing far behind what is in your pocket.

The only shop that stores what you vitally want as you leave for the airport will be closed so that you have to catch the flight without the stuff and now you will have to lie about it.

(The writer is a Senior Editorial Advisor of Khaleej Times and the paper’s former Editor. He has also been the Editor of Gulf News, Gulf Today, Emirates Today and Bahrain Tribune)