Bikram Vohra
JournalismPakistan.com
March 11, 2017

I have never been to a torture chamber but the other day I accompanied my wife to a beauty parlor and was invited in since there were no other customers. Half an hour into observing the self-inflicted cosmetic cruelty that women voluntarily engage in, and you get the impression it makes Gitmo look like a holiday resort.

We guys get tetchy if the razor blade is a bit blunt and these ladies, they actually take appointments so that someone can pluck their hair out from their eyebrows one by one. By the third hair, I would be confessing to everything. The way they undergo this agony and then pay for it must rank as the most incredible act of masochism ever.

Then the whole waxing routine, getting rid of unwanted hair, with nary a thought for the hair’s feelings … unwanted. They don’t even flinch. Me, I was weeping just watching. After which they apply bleach willingly and let it burn and sting and you want to say shall I get you some pepper spray so we can go the whole nine yards, fling in some chili powder, too.

I am trying to reconcile all this torment with my wife pleading on the phone for the appointment. I must come today, even at 2:00 pm. I have a function at night; you have to fit me in. She was begging for this. Do you know if they don’t fit you in, it is about the level of a defcon code 10 emergency level like the US president forgetting his nuclear password. Like if they cannot get a hair appointment, they might as well shoot themselves.

And women have their own favorite torturers. If Elly is not there and Indu has taken leave or Pooja is busy, it is a disaster. They have to settle for Anjana and that’s the start of a bad hair day.

I am sitting there in pure bewilderment thinking why water board anyone, just send the beefy, never say die hardcore terror boss for a facial and a waxing. He will be a trembling little heap of nerves in half an hour. “No more plucking and stop with the waxing, I demand protection under the Geneva Convention, you cannot exfoliate.”

And while my wife is obviously loving all this tender, loving care I am reading the price list and did you know there are 16 different waxing packages? You know what the sobering thought in all this is? Women go through all this madness to look nice. For us men folk. That is so touching.

(The writer is a Senior Editorial Advisor of Khaleej Times and the paper’s former Editor. He has also been the Editor of Gulf News, Gulf Today, Emirates Today and Bahrain Tribune)